The conversation
Why are we sitting here Julie, this revolving is doing my head in. I am 36 and my nerves are not good. Why did I accompany you to the fair.
Because you love me, like you love candy-floss. You know that you want me. I am proposing to you. I want you to leave Darren and be my partner. You will be really happy for the first time in your life. Together we will put together a chain of candy-floss stalls if you want: And I will promise no more spinning around.
‘What took you so long Michelle, Darren is history. Let’s fly.
Footnotes:
My apologies, upon receiving feedback about this story, I realise that there is a degree of ambiguity around who is talking to who. However I have left this story as posted: as a warning to myself, of how easy it is to make a mistake and cause confusion. So to use a footballing term, I have given myself a yellow card.
Candy-floss is also known as Cotton-candy.
However one comment I received has reminded me that when a story is being read, the reader may well see something totally different occouring within the story. Something totally different to how the author saw things.
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Poor Darren
I do feel guilty about what happened to him.
She didn’t seem to need much convincing.
That is true. I nearly did not post this week as I was not keen on this story. Thank you Iain.
Always worth posting, even those we are not 100% happy with.
Such sweet words, until someone gets bit.
I think that the candy-floss will be the most tasted.
Cotton candy gives me a headache. All sugar, no substance.
Then it is not good stuff, and is rather like my story this week.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all submit one of those stories that makes us wonder, “What was I thinking?” And we learn from them. Cheers!
Thank you, Alicia. I fear I am a slow learner.
Darren didn’t even get a chance to fight his case. Or maybe, just maybe, he was the one who put Michelle up to it 🙂
I do like your interpretation of Darren testing Julie. Thank you
Darren’s having his life decided for him on a fairground ride. Poor man.
I agree, although it has been pointed out to me that Darren may have set the test up!
It looks like Darren is the loser here – although I did get a bit confused with the names and who was speaking which lines. Surely the last line was spoken by Michelle to Julie?
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
My apologies Susan, it is unclear. To use footballing terms, I should recieve a yellow card.
I must confess, I got lost on this ride. After a third read, I came to the conclusion that Michelle is going to leave Darren for Julie. Is that correct?
My apologies Russel, it is unclear. I saw Julie being tested by Michelle. To use a footballing term, I have recieved a yellow warning card.
He got the sugar and Darren was left with the stick!
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I have been advised that Darren wanted rid of the sugar, and so set the whole thing up. As my story this week was confusing, to use a footballing term, I have rightly recieved several yellow cards.
…but you’ve avoided a red one – so far!
Dear Michael,
Perhaps it’s all the spinning that confused me. 😉 So is this a lesbian relationship happening here? To my credit I knew what candy floss was. 😀
Shalom,
Rochelle
Sorry Rochelle, I was having one of those days, or as is usual in my case, weeks… I half knew that for I had decided not to post the story; then I changed my mind. I should have listened to my first instinct, for it is a poorly drafted story. In answer to your second question, in the authors mind, it was a relationship that would lead to a lesbian relationship.
I have just spent three days revising quite a lot of my flash fiction, I was horrified when I saw some of the grammar and spelling mistakes. I must try to do better.
All of us must try to do better. That’s why we have this wonderful community of FF to help us out.
I agree. And yes the Friday Fictioneer group is wonderful. It is also really good to get feedback on posted Flash Fiction.
I know how frustrating it can be to realize the readers aren’t seeing what you thought you were conveying. But it happens to everyone — and we all deserve a yellow card once in a while!
That is the value of feedback from the FF’s, it not only guides, but also I have found gives insights to elements of the stories that I as a writer may not have picked up on. Thank you Joy, no yellow card for you, as I like your Eneana writing
Thank you Michael, that’s kind of you to say! I do put a lot of effort into it. But it still doesn’t work well 100% of the time — ah well.
I frankly think Julie and Michelle deserve each other and Darren escaped a miserable existence!!
I think that you might be right, I was so pleased that you took the time to comment. Thank you Dale.
Yes the speaker listener calling the speaker first Julie then Michelle confused me, but she seemed very easily persuaded. Sounds like her staying power with anyone isn’t going to be that great.
Sorry Christine, I had not given enough thought to this story. I think that you may be right about the lack of Julie’s staying power.
A roller-coaster is good place to move ahead in life. Loved your inimitable style.
Roller-coaster scare me, but I am so grateful for your comment. Thank you yarnspinnerr
I think Darren is grounded… hope they give him some candy floss before they fly away
I think that he you be sick. I don’t believe that he will be able to look at candy floss ever again.
Perhaps a yellow card but I think I got the reading on the first go although I reread to make sure that the two speakers were two females (where one male was expected) and I twigged a lesbian relationship was afoot. Darren can’t fight against two females.
I agree with your comment above that each reader brings their own interpretation to the story and it may not be what the author wanted to impart. I have found that with a world wide audience this often happens because we don’t realise that something that is such common knowledge in our own country is unheard of in another. It brings a world awareness to the writer.
There is always something to learn from writing, I sometimes forget that. Thank you Irene.
Hey Mike, welcome to the club. My story had (2) tenses and (2) points of view going on. The good news is next week we get another photo prompt.
Thank you Dan, and thank heavens that we can redeem ourselves next time.
Aside from the name confusion, this is a fulfilling tale of love triumphing in the end. I hope Julie and Michelle will be happy together. Michelle’s spinning makes total sense in relation to her age and potential change of relationship.
Thank you Sarah, I am pleased to read your feedback, it helps to know that what I was trying to but across was not totally lost.
The story felt a bit incomplete
Lovely read
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It definitely was. I enjoyed reading the Anniversary.
I’m not sure about Julie. She sounds like a fairground girl – user beware.
You made me smile, thank you, Patrick
Julie seems immature. It’s not that easy. I’d be careful there. She certainly doesn’t care about Darren. Good writing, Michael. You just need to think of how others will understand it. 🙂 — Suzanne
Thank you Suzanne, I think in the long run Darren will be happier without Julie